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Feb. 23rd, 2012

Mehh

Well today was okay. i didnt really do anything. woke up in the middle of the night with a bad stomach ache because of this stupid monthly gift. after that dilema i went back to sleep, then woke up again. i had planned on relaxing today but didnt really have a clue on what to do to actuall relax or be relaxed. so i got bored trying to find something to do. decided to go on youtube and find out how to make a homemade bong. yup thats how bored i was lol. anyways, i found this one guy who really did a good video and decided to try to make one myself. and to my surprise i actually did it perfectly. i used a peice of the metal homemade pipe that a freind given me, a plastic purfume spray bottle, a pen, some black tape and water. im not going to explain the steps but it was quite easy. so after making my fanstastic creation i smoked some pot. was high the whole day. looked at a couple of phones to since i have the option to get a new phone for my birthday but t mobile doesnt have a great variety of phones. i want something different than what i have now.
Ugh im running out of pot.. have to get some soon but the person i get it from.. we dont talk anymore. shit, im mad at him and he's mad at me basically. but thats not going to stop me from making a business call to him about the pot.  most likely he's not going to get it for me. i feel like spending $20 on it but then again i have to make sure i have some pocket change so i might end up spending the usual $10.. thats if he will sell to me.
Right now im on the living room floor again. listening to music like Deftones and Korn. im wondering what im going to do tomorrow too. Maybe ill go bike riding again and go to Bay Vista, Play in the water. i really need to do laundry but NO SOAP! ugh i swear.

I feel this urge to call him.. been feeling this way ever since 2 days after our little argument. but i refuse to do it. im not giving in this time.. i refuse!
Well i have nothing else to write..  feeling kind of hungry, going to eat then go to sleep i guess.

Writer's Block: Happy New Year of the Dragon!

What is your Chinese zodiac animal?
Monkey??

Yupp

I dont even know why im on here. really dont have anything to write. nothing on my mind. and i dont feel  anything at the moment. today was okay. Woke up, did the morning ritual then went to watch tv. then i remembered i had to turn in my essay online, so i did that. was going to do Zumba but my period came on today and made me feel sluggish. alot has been going through my mind the past couple days. Decisions i want to make but not sure when to make it or how, some things in the past, and whats going to happen in the future. another thing thats been on my mind and bugging me is a situation that happened the other day between me and.. a friend. i think the whole thing is stupid and i feel like i should not have to appoligize for it. all because of a comment on my facebook status and apparently other things. me and this other guy dont even speak anymore. we spoke yesterday after about a month of no communication at all. and another thing, the last time i checked.. im single, so i can do whatever i want. but me and this guy barely talk, never had sex and never even kissed, the only thing we done is hug. i shouldnt have to explain myself to anybody so i let people think what they want. ughh
Tomorrow i just want to relax but i really want to get some things done. depending on the weather i know what ill do. if its sunny, windy and nice outside then ill relax, but if its dark and rainy then ill clean up. wish i could take a long hot bubble bath but the damn tub isnt working properly.

I want to talk to him but ill feel like im giving in and im tired of being the bigger person by calling first. i promised myself yesterday that im never going to let a man run me. yesterday i was suppose to clean my room, do zumba, and my laundry. but none of that happened. i told my grandma i was going to do laundry. she waited until i pretty much dragged the big heavy bag of laundry to the garage door from my room to tell me their is no damn detergant. so thats strike one. so i went back to my room and decided to finish clean. knock on my door, grandma asking me about this carnival live thing on the computer that my grandpa wanted to see. i told her im in the middle of cleaning and he sould of asked me the day before when i wasnt doing anything istead of theday i got shit to do. i return to cleaning my room. knock on my door again 10 mins later, its grandma asking about the same nonsense. the only reason she bugging about it is because grandpa wants it done. i got pissed of and mad because i felt like i was being rushed and i felt like the shit wasnt so important to the point where i have to stop what im doing to do something HE wants. but whenever you anybody ask him for shit, it has to take forever and not donr right away or not at all.  so i sit at the labtop for about 30 mins trying to figure out he stupid shit while he sits in his room talking on the phone. ive never felt so mad in my life. i truely though that day was going to be the day i finally snap. i had to break something so i did. i had to get out. so i did. if i were to stay in there any longer i would be in the jail house right now.

This weekend my mom wants me to cook something special since she'll be off. at first it was a choice between Salmon or Steak but then we came down to a totally different decision. Bourban Chicken with Jasmine Rice And Steamed Broccoli, Miso Soup for appitizer. i cant wait. im more excited to go shopping in the Oriental store than to actually cook that stuff.

Im going to try to write o  here everyday to basically just clear my mind, vent, or just when i feel like writing. i guess thiss will also be good practice on my writing since im currently in English Composition 1 anyways.
Well im done wriring and i guess im going to try to go to sleep. will definantly be here again tomorrow..

Dec. 4th, 2011

Recent "Life"

Hey Live Jounal, Been awhile since i been on here. i guess since the last time i was on here things just kind of went even more down under. Im just tired of everything at the moment. I cant find a job, im failing my math class, mom is still forcing me to go t college and im more lonely than ever. i really just want to work, thats all i want to do, its not like have a social life or anything else to do so i have have all the time in the world to just work. of course besides being in college, which isnt my choice. i want to make money, i want to be able to buy whatever i want when i want to, i want to be able to help pay some bills, i want to be able to go out with friends somewhere and even pay if i have to, and i want to be able to stop worrying about money or being broke. thats where my mind is, not college. its not like i wont go back, i will. but right now i just want to work. but of course the world is not on my side so i cant find a job. i try asking my mom to make some phone calls to some of places i applied for but of course she play like she forget or keep postponing it. but yet constantly ask me about college everyday. she just trying to hold me back from what i want to do,or cage me up. i really believe that she wants to just have a hold on my life forever. i feel like im more of a pet to her than her daughter. im tired of this. today she fusses at me because i didnt sign up for my classes on time so now i have to wait until 5 months to do it. i didnt do it on purpose, and its really not my fault. the campus im at is not helpful at all. at least at the campus i used to go to they would let us know of important information. but of course like i said before, if my mind isnt on something then i dont put much effort in it. i just want to get a job, pay my mom back of all the money she spent on me for school, move out and be on my own. sounds so simple and yet so hard. i think i was put on this earth to me miserable anyways. so theirs no surprise to me that everything just goes wrong for me. i feel like crying but i cant cause then ill be wrong for doing it, i want to leave this earth but theirs no simple way to do it and lets just face it im to much of a coward to take my own life but wouldnt mind if somebody else does. but if course like i said the world is not on my side so it wont bless me with sombody to do it. i wish somebody would take me from this world, i would think of them as my savior than a life taking devil. i have nobody to talk to so im letting it out on here. i guess i have a couple of friends but in the end i still feel alone. have family but still feel alone. alone alone alone alone alone alone aalone. thats all. people might look at me and say im so lucky and have a good life, im the onl child, pretty much get whatever i want, have awesome pets, a pool, a nice house, get to do what i want sometimes,always have a nicw phone, but if thats the case then why im so miserable. i dont know, ill never know. be back later

Jul. 13th, 2011

SMH

I only got a few choice words to say. Its funny how you can get a ride over here when I'm giving you some games for free but you dont want to get a ride over here when you want to supposedly hang out with me so much. Aint that some shit. I mean I dont know if people expect me to always drive when THEY wanna hang out. I'm not getting used again! Its like people only want to hang with me when they benefiting from it. Like getting a ride to and from without paying any gas, smoke a black or two without paying a dime, sex, liquor, weed and someone to take them to the movies and other things like that . I would like to hang out with some of the friends I have but for once I want them to make the effort of coming to see me. And I don't mean half ass doing it like getting dropped off here but not get picked up. I'm not a picky bitch but I just get tired of doing more in a friendship. Thats why sometimes I rather be by my damn self. Less aggravation.

Jul. 12th, 2011

Anxious

So for the past couple of days it felt like hell..LITERALLY lol. The air condition finally broke down in the worst timing ever,, like it feels like the devils vagina outside. Since the air isnt working I haven't been able to sleep. Hopefully the man willll fix the damn air by tonight because i have my exam tomorrow and if I can't sleep then I won't do good on the test. Ugh if I fail my mom better not blame me, she knows I can't sleep when its extremely hot, and I can't concentrate when I'm extremely tired. Luckly if I fail the first time I can do a retake, but with my luck the air won't be working yet! So yeah I'm pretty nervous and anxious about this exam. Its a state exam, even if I have an A in the class, if I fail the state exam then I fail alll together.. Oh yeah, I finally get this pain in the ass tooth out on friday :D soooo happy about that, can't wait! They better dope me up before and after the pulling. I'm suppose to do my hair extensions this weekend, I'm going to re dye my hair 1st on thursday so I could see the exact color of my hair before buying the weave. I already know what color weave to get because I took pictures of my hair after the bleaching. I pray they have the color, if not I willll unfortuantly have to bleach the weave. Which would be a hassle on my part because I don't know if the weave would be the blonde I had in my hair or if it would even turn blonde at all. Thats what I'm nervous about! And if the hair clips for the extensions would even stay in my hair. Well ill never know unless I try! Well I'm getting tired of typing so be back laterr.

Jun. 22nd, 2011

Bullshit Artist

The definition of a Bullshit Artist is someone who says they going to do something but dont, someone who say they got this or that but dont have it at all, someone who basically would boast about something that they really dont have or really can't do. I dealt with bullshit artist before so I know a bullshit artist when I see one. Bullshit artist have to be the number one thing I HATE in this world. I cant even explain how annoying it is to deal with a bullshit artist. I find it soooo funny when I catch a bullshit artist in a lie. I might be forgetful at times but I do remember the little things. Of course since I'm not a rude bitch, I'll sit there and listen to the ramble of a BS artist, listen to alll the false statements you tell me at the moment when those statements were completely different from the first time you told me about it. For example, someone tells me they have a car, when I go to the person house and see only 1 car which obviously belongs to the mom and there is no other car in sight, we need to go to the store for something and go by foot, normally the person would be like «oh my car is in a shop» or something to explain why we going to the store by foot when you clearly said you had a car.but like I said me being such a nice person,i won't say shit. Its hard to explain because the example I used is stupid but I dont want to put the other example because the person would clearly know that I'm stating facts about them. Whew I feel better now, venting is something that keeps me from saying rude things to some people.

I know I'm about to go off topic but for some reason it just popped up in my head but I think I have a thing for bad boys lol I don't know what it is about them that makes me want them! I only had three boyfriends that were bad boys. Alll the other ones were the pretty boy type. I even dated one of those dancing boys lol I dont know I guess because they didnt take crap from no one and barely showed a soft side unless its needed. I think its normal for a girl to be goo goo gaga alll the time but not for a boy. They could only be like that when needed. I think thats what makes me like them. So tough but have a sweet side only for me. being a pansy alll the time is a turn off for me . Some girls like that but not me. It just gets annoying after awhile.

Cant wait for tomorrow! My transformation starts! I'm going to get my body back and soooon my hair willll look even more awesome. I'm going to be Hawt!

Today.. Horrid :P

So today I was sick. Due to the stupid monthly «gift» lady's have to deal with. My stomach been cramping half of the day and I feel it about to cramp again. I havent had a period for like a year, the only reason I anxiously wanted it to come was to confirm that I was normal again (un stressed) and not prego. But now that I have it, I'm totally hating it. Since it hasn't come in so long, when it finally does, it comes with a vengeance and is trying to kill me. Seriously! When I had a normal period, it was never this bad. This sucks! My mom and grandma said I have to go to the doctor soooon and see why my period havent come in so long. I'm not happy about this because every time I go to the doctor their is always something new wrong with me. Right now I'm feeling relaxed . Listening to pandora, on the Easy Listening Radio, which truly calms my soul. I have to go to sleep soon though. Have school in the morning and have to take a test. I willll admit that since my period came I've been slacking in school, I didn't even go Monday. But I willll get back on track by next week. Another reason for hating the monthly gift is because it makes me so lazy and tired. Which is un normal for me.like for the past couple of days I have not made an attempt to clean anything, not normal! I clean on a daily basis. ugh I feel my chest starting to get heavy now, which makes it hard for me to breath :/ its giving me a headache.I'm really dreading tomorrow,i know its going to be a busy day.really not needed right now. Wish I had an assistant for days like those. Can't wait for this period to be overr with. I got these diet pills I'm gonna use to give me extra help on loosing weight. I took diet pills before and they worked quite well for me. Noww I'm listening to opera. I don't know what these people be singing but I like it. The music and the voices. Oh shit my song just came on « Lakme' Opera» these lady's go hard on this lol I love it. I feel like watch Phantom Of The Opera Now. I'm getting pretty sleepy even though I just had a whole cup of coffee.obviously coffee does not work for me. I often find that it makes me more sleepy than awake. My body is starting to hurt again. I'm just alll sorts of fucked up lol sucks to be me right now. I would say to myself «just think of the positives» but that aint going to work right now. Well I'm officially about to fall asleep. Hopefully tomorrow willll go by VERY fast.

Jun. 21st, 2011

The human stupid race. </3

I'm not straight, Bisexual or a lesbian. I'm neutral. I hateeee the human race. I swear the only people I need is my family, everybody else seems to annoy me somehow. I'm the type of person who actually pays attention to the smaller things in life. I'm not going to put anyone on blast on here but goodness I've been annoyed by a particular situation these past couple of days.a certain group in my life is always jacked up somehow, I dont know why its always like this. Its like with every person, there is always some type of problem that makes the friendship difficult. I know I have issues too but not alll the freaking time, and if a issue do occur its not a big deal to mess up plans or cause some type of dilemma. Like for example, a friend wants to hang out but I have to pick them up, I don't mind picking them up but if its a constant thing then it starts to get annoying, especially when no gas money is being provided and I have to take them home tooo. Parents these days are full of shit tooo, some act like they can't pick their child up or drop them off. My mom always tell me how back in the day she didn't have this problem between her and her friends. For example, she gets dropped off at her friend house and the friends parents take her home or the friends parent brings them to her house and her parent drops the friend home. Now that type of arrangement of taking turns is actually a very convient thing.but its not like that these days. Its always one person has to do more than the other. And most of the time I'm the person that does more. This is why I'm always home bored because I get tired of having to pick up someone or I have to get dropped off and picked up from/to the destination. I just really hate human beings now. Nothing is ever reasonable with them. Its always one way or the other. I'm just fed up with everything and almost everyone. I dont even have any friends like normal people do to talk to about these problems because the friends are usually the one who causes the problem and I dont want to seem like a bitch talking about one friend to a different friend and bad mouth them. I dont like that. The only person I have is my mom, but I can't always talk to her about the issues because she willll agree and start disliking the person.i just need someone to listen to me without passing judgement on the person I'm talking about based on what I'm saying. I just like/need to vent. I'm crying right now because I feel like I really have no friends, just alone. I dont even know the definition of a friend anymore. I often blame my shyness for this but I dont anymore.my shyness is there as a much needed wall that people need to climb over. I'm alone. I dont like to be. I wish I could be like some people and have like 20 friends or even just 10. And that I get invited to do things with people, and always have someone I could call on to have fun with but I dont. Im a loner. Always been one since elementary school. In 5th grade I felt like I actually had good friends. But good things always come to an end for me. We alll drifted apart, either went to different schools or moved. Middle school was like hell for me and so was high school. Half the time I think people just be friends with me because they feel sorry for me and know how much of a loner I am. I think whateverr «god» there is, he put me on this earth to emotionally suffer and be miserable for my entire life. Ugh back to the old slice and dice routine that I swore I wouldn't do anymore but I can't take this pain anymore. I want to be numb.

Jun. 8th, 2011

My Feelings Will Kill Me :(

These past couple of days been very hard for me. I feel as if I had killed an innocent person. I probably did. I didn't intentionally do it. It was just a big mistake and misunderstanding on my part. Love is a very strange thing, it can't be defined or explained. I honestly dont know what love is anymore, I didn't realize this until now and wish I knew earlier because if I knew, non of this would have happened. I probably never knew exactly what Love is, thought I did. Now that I think about it, the first time I actually said the L word was when I was 16. Thats pretty young. I think I need more time to actually get the understanding of love. But I wish the situation I had didn't happen. I probably lost the best individual in my life. I dont think he completely understands why I did what I did or why I felt the way I did. What I said to him was something that been bugging me for awhile and when something is just on my mind constantly, just crawling under my skin, I have to get it out. For the 1st time I actually said what was alll on my mind to someone. I usually just forget about it or mention it way later than right in the moment. I do feel like a weight been lifted from my shoulders but then at the same time I feel disappointed and disgusted with myself. I dont like this feeling. Knowing that I've hurt someone who did nothing but treated right with respect and love, it kills me inside. I know I'm not gonna be the same anymore. I should've took things slow, I should've did things my way to where I would've felt comfortable, I shouldn't have did the things I did then cause alll this hurt. I know things are not going to be the same between me and him even though I wish thing would bounce back to how it was before we took that next step. But I have to think of things threw his eyes and I know I would be feeling the same way he is feeling if the person who I loved dearly were to say those things to me. I'm not exactly sure how he feels, which bugs me tooo. I dont know what to do. I want to give him his space but then I dont want to because I dont want him to think I dont want to speak to him anymore. I wish to have a great friendship with him, which was how it should've been. Instead I had to confuse the feelings I had and cause this disaster. I do love him, I just love him as a friend. I think what happened was I havent met someone in such a long time, who had the interest in things like me. And then I got caught up in the heat of the moment, and then I had to let that one thing slide, and then I had to get drunk. I dont know anymore. Maybe I've became heartless when it comes to love, being hurt alll the time does have that effect on people, but I really dont think that could happen to me. I still got pieces of my heart left. I just really hope he really understands and that things would just go back to how it used to be because I can't live knowing I really had hurt someone so bad that things can't be the same. Fuck my life, that damn song «Whats Love Got To Do With It» just came on. I swear this is bullshit.

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